Thursday, 22 January 2015

Rover Rotors

As part of an expanded series on fabulous new technologies, Infinity and beyond + 1 magazine sat down with Wolfgang Bach to discuss his invention that will completely revolutionize the way power is generated: Rover Rotors, a device that uses dogs to drive electric generators.

Infinity and beyond + 1: Mr Bach, your device sounds inspired! Please tell our readers what your inspiration was?

Wolfgang Bach: Thank you! I just want to say first of all that magazines such as yours are the true inspiration. Cynical rags like The Times harping on about about infinite growth are a real downer. My motto is: "Why stop at infinity?" Infinite seems far too restrictive.

I&B+1: Yes, quite.

Bach: It was reading some rag like The Times though when I realized we are simply chasing our tail when it comes to energy independence. They were going on about how nuclear fission will make a comeback and save the day. And this was a few months after trumpeting some fracking scheme or some hopeless solar project in the dessert, which I add is bound to just melt anyway. And I thought, "I have heard these ideas hundreds of times before over the years, it is like we are chasing our tail!"  

I&B+1: Some ideas are not very original are they? I am a firm believer in fusion, which will be original when it is built.

Bach: Highly original. I don't have a problem with unoriginality per se, but standard procedures need to be outsourced to poor countries: injection molding, automobile assembly, even near earth orbiting. These have all been mastered by Americans before and have now been successfully outsourced to the third world. Tail chasing also needs to be outsourced, but since most factories are currently occupied with smartphone construction, devices which distract people from important issues like the rising costs of sweatshop labor, we needed to be little more creative.

I&B+1: So you proposed dogs to pick up the bone...

Bach: Ha ha! I see what you did there! Yes, to chase their tail to be precise. I come from a long line of eugenicists who have wanted to make the world a better place. With recent advances in genetics, I realized we could breed a dog that permanently chased its own tail. The breakthrough was when I and a fellow scientist managed to identify and sequence the selfish gene in dogs. It is quite amazing! If we switch off the selfish gene, a dog has no sense of self and will simply chase its own tale thinking it is that of another! 

I&B+1: A quite fascinating muttation. Speaking of eugenics research, how did you ever get funding for such an undertaking?

Bach: Yes, this was tricky because Americans are dog lovers. They even care more about their dogs than their immigrants! This view is sadly unscientific. Eugenics theory tells us that immigrants are a higher species than dogs. We were able to fund the research by offering services in astrologene to the general public. We are able to take your gene sequence and correlate it with the position of the stars. We are then able to offer to clients predictions concerning, for example, career success, romantic relationships and the probability of heart disease before the age of 60.

I&B+1: Your device is not without controversy. Animal rights activists insist rover rotors are inhumane.

This is truly nonsense. All of our rover rotors are free-range and organic:

Wolfgang Bach discussing his free range Rotor Rovers.

I&B+1: Oh I see. I didn't realize genetically modified could also mean organic?

Bach: Well not quite, but if you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs. You also have to politely ask the Food and Drug Administration to make a few poultry changes to their standards.

I&B+1: You mentioned your colleague before who helped sequence the selfish gene. I understand he is no longer with the project anymore due to creative differences?

Bach: Yes, my colleague Pierre von Schweinschlacht, although initially enthusiastic, thought what we were doing was cruel and didn't make any sense.

I&B+1: He was an animal lover I imagine?

Bach: Probably not. He thought we could get more net energy for America if we were to eat the dogs directly, rather than using them to generate an electric current. He particularly objected to the use of squirrel-cage induction rotors. Thought we spent so much time identifying the selfish gene in dogs and couldn't understand why we were going to use squirrels. A gentle soul and a fantastic geneticist is Pierre, electrical engineer is he not. Such contradictions are unfortunately to be expected from some half-caste from Strasbourg. Anyway I want it on the record that I am totally against the consumption of dogs. If you want to improve the population, you need to eat higher up the food chain.

I&B+1: What are your future plans for the rover rotors?

Bach: Expansion, world domination and solving the nasty corrosion problem on our slip rings. I was initially surprised at the quantity of dog saliva build up on the generators as you would expect saliva to be flung outwards, away from the generators. Of course ha! ha! if you have thousands of dogs simultaneously chasing their tails, then there can be a lot of crossfire!

I&B+1: Thank you for your time today Mr Bach, do you have any final words for our readers?

Bach: It is often said, "They will think of something" without specifying who they are or what that something is. Well, I won't say heroes, but purebred men like myself are them and rotor rovers are something. Don't worry America, we are thinking of something!